As my boys have grown up, I have used many opportunities to teach them about making good choices in life. At times, like when Mid-Kid and friends launched water balloons over the house into a family birthday party, landing on a quiet unassuming neighbor of ours and her three year old son, we talked venehmently about making good choices. Sometimes, I believe, these talks fell on deaf ears.
When they haven't made the best choices, I would talk to them about my disapoinmet in their choice. I learned the old '"I'm disapointed in you" tactic from my Catholic up bringing. It worked like a charm wtih me as a child and again with my own boys. Never did I ever think that the shoe would be on the other foot.
A few weeks ago, my oldest, M and I were having a discusion that wasn't going well, when he pulled the "I'm disappointed in you" tactic on me. Not in quite those nice words, but it was definitely the same reasoning. I've made alot of mistakes in my life, some little and a few whoppers. He called me on a whopper that I didn't even know he was aware of. The moment I read the text (because these days this is how many of our chats go) my heart sank. I've always been honest with him and because I have, he's always been honest with me. But seeing this in writing, knocked me on my ass. I had to be honest , I had to fess up.
When I was young, and disappointed my parents, I guess I got over it. In fact no one incident stands out to me when I may have disappointed them, so I am thinking there couldn't have been anything that earth shattering. But, when you disappoint your child, the cost, the repercussions, the emotional turmoil is one thousand times greater. It is literally life altering.
Since this discussion, which was really an accusation followed by me admitting my guilt, M hasn't talked to me except to say 'leave me alone.' My son is truly disappointed in me. In fact, I know our relationship will never be the same. My heart aches to go back and "make good choices." The what if's and the what abouts don't matter now. No excuse is enough to justify this mistake. But the feeling that my son, M who has almost always strived to "do the right thing," just the way I taught him, is DISAPPOINTED in his mother is something I am going to have to live with forever.
I can't go back and change anything. But if i could, I would definitely have made better choices, not only because I truly regret this mistake, but more so because of the disapointment I have caused my son.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZFU9qBEvEVw
Monday, October 4, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
My Hero
All week I've been trying to sit down and write a post for my middle child's eighteenth birthday. Unfortunately, my schedule and my Mid Kid got all my attention this week and this blog had to wait, AGAIN.
My Mid Kid turned 18 this past Tuesday. In true form, he managed to screw up his birthday AGAIN. I truly love this child, in fact, might go as far to say that he is my favorite (after all he is exactly like me); but there is nothing that Mid Kid does that is easy and AGAIN this week he has shown me that.
Mid Kid trys to play baseball year round, but this past Sunday, two days before his birthday he threw a ball so hard from the outfield that he got a small tear in his bicep tendon. This is an unusual injury, the doctor told us, for a young kid. It's a middle aged man's injury. Who would have thought that the kid who has spent the last four years in and out of hospitals with incredibly unusal problems, could tear a bicep tendon?
Yes, Mid Kid has had countless (I think 7 hospital stays, not including ER visits), five surgeries and countless doctors appointments, days off of school (82 sophmore year), tests and scans. He is a walking textbook for odd medical problems, let alone the shear number of problems that he has had. And none of this includes the asthma he was diagnosed with at age two, that never kept him down, the broken wrist, the countless broken fingers, the broken nose, and the broken elbow that he wrestled through Regionals with....all before he began is battle with his belly issues Freshman year in high school.
So in tribute to Mid Kid's 18th birthday, I would like to celebrate the Hero's that we have come accross in his short little life.
"And then a hero comes along, with the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside, and you know you can survive"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVhrIfaPKxw
Dr. D - The man who brought Mid Kid into this world
Dr. T - Who always believed in Mid Kid's pain and never stopped looking for a cause
Dr. V - She sat on the edge of Mid Kid's hospital bed and said "No 16 year old should have to live like this. We will find a solution."
Dr. P - The guy with the "hairiest arms I've ever seen" (Mid Kid's words) who found the reason behind the thirty lost pounds, the unbearable pain and the pancreatits.
Our Baseball Family - The parents and the boys who shared their lives with us for so much of Mid Kid's baseball years and were always at the ready to help when and if I asked. And unfortunately, I never asked, but they were still there with support, prayers and good thoughts. Many of the mom's will never know how much their kind words did for me all those years and continue to do for me. And I will never know the words spoken by a bunch of teenage baseball players that supported Mid Kid. But I do know that every word helped us both in ways that will be remembered always.
JH, ZE, the other JH, and KS - the boys who despite their busy schedules always found time to visit Mid Kid and whenever I called and said "he needs you" they were there right away!
ZJ - another friend of Mid Kid's who recently told him, while he was struggling with his most recent injury, "you have been through so much, that someday, something BIG is going to happen to you." Mid Kid has repeated those words alot this week in his struggle to get through another injury. Thank you so much ZJ!
KH and MP - the friends who I couldn't live without! And they both know why!
My family - The endless phone calls, the care package brought to me and Mid Kid while in the hospital, and again the endless support of just knowing they were there and cared so much about our journey.
Finally.....Mid Kid...you are my hero. From the moment you were born, I don't think there isn't a day that has passed that you haven't made me smile, and even laugh in some way. Yes, there are days that I've cried, wanted to pull my hair out and wanted to drive away to some far away place, but seeing your smile and your continued sense of humor keeps me plugging along. You have a zest for life that anyone who has been through what you have, would have lost long ago. Your perseverance, your determination and your shear will to keep fighting, despite the many road blocks that have come your way and you, my favorite Mid Kid are still smiling! You are my HERO!
My Mid Kid turned 18 this past Tuesday. In true form, he managed to screw up his birthday AGAIN. I truly love this child, in fact, might go as far to say that he is my favorite (after all he is exactly like me); but there is nothing that Mid Kid does that is easy and AGAIN this week he has shown me that.
Mid Kid trys to play baseball year round, but this past Sunday, two days before his birthday he threw a ball so hard from the outfield that he got a small tear in his bicep tendon. This is an unusual injury, the doctor told us, for a young kid. It's a middle aged man's injury. Who would have thought that the kid who has spent the last four years in and out of hospitals with incredibly unusal problems, could tear a bicep tendon?
Yes, Mid Kid has had countless (I think 7 hospital stays, not including ER visits), five surgeries and countless doctors appointments, days off of school (82 sophmore year), tests and scans. He is a walking textbook for odd medical problems, let alone the shear number of problems that he has had. And none of this includes the asthma he was diagnosed with at age two, that never kept him down, the broken wrist, the countless broken fingers, the broken nose, and the broken elbow that he wrestled through Regionals with....all before he began is battle with his belly issues Freshman year in high school.
So in tribute to Mid Kid's 18th birthday, I would like to celebrate the Hero's that we have come accross in his short little life.
"And then a hero comes along, with the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside, and you know you can survive"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVhrIfaPKxw
Dr. D - The man who brought Mid Kid into this world
Dr. T - Who always believed in Mid Kid's pain and never stopped looking for a cause
Dr. V - She sat on the edge of Mid Kid's hospital bed and said "No 16 year old should have to live like this. We will find a solution."
Dr. P - The guy with the "hairiest arms I've ever seen" (Mid Kid's words) who found the reason behind the thirty lost pounds, the unbearable pain and the pancreatits.
Our Baseball Family - The parents and the boys who shared their lives with us for so much of Mid Kid's baseball years and were always at the ready to help when and if I asked. And unfortunately, I never asked, but they were still there with support, prayers and good thoughts. Many of the mom's will never know how much their kind words did for me all those years and continue to do for me. And I will never know the words spoken by a bunch of teenage baseball players that supported Mid Kid. But I do know that every word helped us both in ways that will be remembered always.
JH, ZE, the other JH, and KS - the boys who despite their busy schedules always found time to visit Mid Kid and whenever I called and said "he needs you" they were there right away!
ZJ - another friend of Mid Kid's who recently told him, while he was struggling with his most recent injury, "you have been through so much, that someday, something BIG is going to happen to you." Mid Kid has repeated those words alot this week in his struggle to get through another injury. Thank you so much ZJ!
KH and MP - the friends who I couldn't live without! And they both know why!
My family - The endless phone calls, the care package brought to me and Mid Kid while in the hospital, and again the endless support of just knowing they were there and cared so much about our journey.
Finally.....Mid Kid...you are my hero. From the moment you were born, I don't think there isn't a day that has passed that you haven't made me smile, and even laugh in some way. Yes, there are days that I've cried, wanted to pull my hair out and wanted to drive away to some far away place, but seeing your smile and your continued sense of humor keeps me plugging along. You have a zest for life that anyone who has been through what you have, would have lost long ago. Your perseverance, your determination and your shear will to keep fighting, despite the many road blocks that have come your way and you, my favorite Mid Kid are still smiling! You are my HERO!
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Love...yeah
I was incredibly disapointed the other night when I was texting with my 19 year old son and he ended the conversation saying "luv u." It wasn't his typical ending. I was surprised and disapointed.
When our children are little they say things that we want them to continue forever. The way they pronounce a word or descriptions of things in their worlds. It is such a huge disapointment when they stop these things. M, my 19 year old, used to call me madre, the Spanish word for mother. He doesn't do that anymore and I miss it. But tonight it was something different, something that shows his personality perfectly.
Every text conversation used to end "Love yeah." I believe he always meant the regular luv u, but the Love yeah, is totally my baby M. He is my throw back to the 60's. My laid back, let it roll, relaxing, kind of kid. So when he says "Love yeah," I always see it as LOVE....yeah. Kinda like, love is cool man!
His standard goodbye always makes me pause and remember that I have his love and that that is all that matters......LOVE....YEAH!
When our children are little they say things that we want them to continue forever. The way they pronounce a word or descriptions of things in their worlds. It is such a huge disapointment when they stop these things. M, my 19 year old, used to call me madre, the Spanish word for mother. He doesn't do that anymore and I miss it. But tonight it was something different, something that shows his personality perfectly.
Every text conversation used to end "Love yeah." I believe he always meant the regular luv u, but the Love yeah, is totally my baby M. He is my throw back to the 60's. My laid back, let it roll, relaxing, kind of kid. So when he says "Love yeah," I always see it as LOVE....yeah. Kinda like, love is cool man!
His standard goodbye always makes me pause and remember that I have his love and that that is all that matters......LOVE....YEAH!
Friday, August 27, 2010
What Do You Want....REALLY?
Ever since my divorce, over two years ago, I have wanted to return to church. I've always felt that if I was closer to God, or even found some sort of spirituality, I would have something to turn to with all the stressors in my life. Unfortunately, it took the torture of a broken heart to get me there.
After nasty break up number six, maybe seven or eight, with THE MECHANIC, I was approached by a friend regarding a lecture series that was being done at her church. I agreed to go because the last few months had been such a roller coaster, that something had to help me finish this relationship once and for all.
Being raised in a very Catholic household, attending a service of another denomination was foreign to me, but I was going to take the chance. When I arrived there, I was late..not really a surprise for me lately and the service had already begun. There were people singing and a few even raising their hands in the air. I found a seat and immediately thought "what have I gotten myself in to?" This was so not the quiet, proper, almost cold Catholic church I attended for so many years. But I really wanted to hear the lecture, so I sat and waited.
Andy Stanley, a pastor, author and lecturer appeared larger than life on five screens of the church walls. I was overwhelmed and wondering if I had landed in OZ to see the wizard. It didn't take long before I was mesmerized with what he had to say. The purpose of this lecture, titled "Your Move" was to give us questions to ask ourselves when confronted with life decisions. I was amidst some very big life decisions so I listened intently.
The lecture was based on a Bible verse Jeremiah 17:9: The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?
Really? My heart is deceitful? No it is not! My heart is broken, but deceitful, no way. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. After he explained it, Andy was right, my heart is deceitful! My heart has been lying to me for a long time.
He went on to tell us that our heart tells us what we want to hear. If we want chocolate, we tell ourselves things we want to hear. "it's good for us...I haven't had chocolate in weeks..I deserve this." Basically, our heart isn't honest with us, it tells us what we want to hear.
All of those times I've been told to follow my heart. All of those times I've been told to open up my heart. It was all hogwash! My heart is deceitful!
He asked us to sit in front of a mirror and ask ourselves "What do you want to do...REALLY?" "Why do you want this...REALLY?"
Before I even left my seat, I was asking myself those questions about The Mechanic. Why do I want to be with someone who pushed me away and called me raw sewage when he was hurt or angry? why do I want to be with a man who can't tell me how he feels about me? Why do I keep going back to a man who can't even get along with his family?
Okay, so they weren't Andy's questions, but they were legitimate questions. so later that night, I did it. I sat in front of the mirror and asked away....I found the honest answers. Why did I want to be with The Mechanic...REALLY?
*I wanted the family that The Mechanic and his daughter provided for my son and I
*I wanted the family man that The Mechanic could be when he wasn't pissed at his older children.
*I wanted the things he promised but never delivered.
Answering those questions helped me see that what I wanted wasn't The Mechanic, but the vision I had in my heart and my mind about what I wanted my life to be. Unfortunately, The Mechanic wasn't in a place to open up and give them to me and sadly, I wasn't able to open up and receive them even if they were there.
In the midst of an hour, I found the answers to why I continued to try and foster a relationship with him; I found the beginning of the spirituality I was looking for and most importantly, I found the strength to put an end to the relationship that had destroyed most of the self esteem I had left.
I'm looking forward to hearing more from Andy Stanly in the coming weeks and continuing to answer those really hard questions. In fact, I may end up sitting in front of that mirror for a few days with the list I'm making!
By the way, my window is now officially closed to The Mechanic!
After nasty break up number six, maybe seven or eight, with THE MECHANIC, I was approached by a friend regarding a lecture series that was being done at her church. I agreed to go because the last few months had been such a roller coaster, that something had to help me finish this relationship once and for all.
Being raised in a very Catholic household, attending a service of another denomination was foreign to me, but I was going to take the chance. When I arrived there, I was late..not really a surprise for me lately and the service had already begun. There were people singing and a few even raising their hands in the air. I found a seat and immediately thought "what have I gotten myself in to?" This was so not the quiet, proper, almost cold Catholic church I attended for so many years. But I really wanted to hear the lecture, so I sat and waited.
Andy Stanley, a pastor, author and lecturer appeared larger than life on five screens of the church walls. I was overwhelmed and wondering if I had landed in OZ to see the wizard. It didn't take long before I was mesmerized with what he had to say. The purpose of this lecture, titled "Your Move" was to give us questions to ask ourselves when confronted with life decisions. I was amidst some very big life decisions so I listened intently.
The lecture was based on a Bible verse Jeremiah 17:9: The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?
Really? My heart is deceitful? No it is not! My heart is broken, but deceitful, no way. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. After he explained it, Andy was right, my heart is deceitful! My heart has been lying to me for a long time.
He went on to tell us that our heart tells us what we want to hear. If we want chocolate, we tell ourselves things we want to hear. "it's good for us...I haven't had chocolate in weeks..I deserve this." Basically, our heart isn't honest with us, it tells us what we want to hear.
All of those times I've been told to follow my heart. All of those times I've been told to open up my heart. It was all hogwash! My heart is deceitful!
He asked us to sit in front of a mirror and ask ourselves "What do you want to do...REALLY?" "Why do you want this...REALLY?"
Before I even left my seat, I was asking myself those questions about The Mechanic. Why do I want to be with someone who pushed me away and called me raw sewage when he was hurt or angry? why do I want to be with a man who can't tell me how he feels about me? Why do I keep going back to a man who can't even get along with his family?
Okay, so they weren't Andy's questions, but they were legitimate questions. so later that night, I did it. I sat in front of the mirror and asked away....I found the honest answers. Why did I want to be with The Mechanic...REALLY?
*I wanted the family that The Mechanic and his daughter provided for my son and I
*I wanted the family man that The Mechanic could be when he wasn't pissed at his older children.
*I wanted the things he promised but never delivered.
Answering those questions helped me see that what I wanted wasn't The Mechanic, but the vision I had in my heart and my mind about what I wanted my life to be. Unfortunately, The Mechanic wasn't in a place to open up and give them to me and sadly, I wasn't able to open up and receive them even if they were there.
In the midst of an hour, I found the answers to why I continued to try and foster a relationship with him; I found the beginning of the spirituality I was looking for and most importantly, I found the strength to put an end to the relationship that had destroyed most of the self esteem I had left.
I'm looking forward to hearing more from Andy Stanly in the coming weeks and continuing to answer those really hard questions. In fact, I may end up sitting in front of that mirror for a few days with the list I'm making!
By the way, my window is now officially closed to The Mechanic!
Monday, August 23, 2010
A Broken Window
win.dow: an opening, especially in the wall of a building for admission of light and air that is usually enclosed by casements or sashes containing transparent material and is capable of being opened and shut (Miriam-Webster)
Such a simple object, yet like so many other simple objects, when we don't have it, we are lost.
Last week, my driver's side window went down, but wouldn't go back up. It was incredibly frustrating given the prediction of thunderstorms to come. After a few days of messing with it and the previous mechanic (more on him later) who had already fixed it once, I finally had to bring it in to get it repaired. It was a simple, inexpensive fix, but opened my eyes to an entirely new way of thinking about my window.
My driver's side window is the window that I CONTROL with the simple push of a button. I say when it goes up because I want to be protected from any number of outside elements. I say when it goes down when I want to let in fresh air, a diet coke from the McDonald's drive thru, or talk to someone I haven't seen in a while. That is the simple, physical view of my driver's side window.
Those few days of dealing with my window brought me to a driver's side window that I have lost control over a lot longer than the past few days. My own personal window that I sometimes didn't even remember that I had. The one that I am supposed to raise in order to protect myself from people, events and things I don't want in my life. The one that I am supposed to let down to let the good things in. That window has been broken for a really long time.
I've let people that are completely wrong in my life come in freely. I've let them do and take as they please. I've closed that window to people in my life that are very good to me and good for me. People that I truly need.
It took the frustrations of a physical problem with my car's window to realize that I needed to fix my personal window. So last Friday, after pulling away from my new favorite auto repair shop, I blasted my new favorite theme song..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GeAqmgSLlwI
....and vowed to keep my finger on the control button of my personal driver's side window at all times!
Such a simple object, yet like so many other simple objects, when we don't have it, we are lost.
Last week, my driver's side window went down, but wouldn't go back up. It was incredibly frustrating given the prediction of thunderstorms to come. After a few days of messing with it and the previous mechanic (more on him later) who had already fixed it once, I finally had to bring it in to get it repaired. It was a simple, inexpensive fix, but opened my eyes to an entirely new way of thinking about my window.
My driver's side window is the window that I CONTROL with the simple push of a button. I say when it goes up because I want to be protected from any number of outside elements. I say when it goes down when I want to let in fresh air, a diet coke from the McDonald's drive thru, or talk to someone I haven't seen in a while. That is the simple, physical view of my driver's side window.
Those few days of dealing with my window brought me to a driver's side window that I have lost control over a lot longer than the past few days. My own personal window that I sometimes didn't even remember that I had. The one that I am supposed to raise in order to protect myself from people, events and things I don't want in my life. The one that I am supposed to let down to let the good things in. That window has been broken for a really long time.
I've let people that are completely wrong in my life come in freely. I've let them do and take as they please. I've closed that window to people in my life that are very good to me and good for me. People that I truly need.
It took the frustrations of a physical problem with my car's window to realize that I needed to fix my personal window. So last Friday, after pulling away from my new favorite auto repair shop, I blasted my new favorite theme song..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GeAqmgSLlwI
....and vowed to keep my finger on the control button of my personal driver's side window at all times!
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